Why do I write?
Why am I writing here?
What is my purpose of doing these?
Is what I write useful for others?
So I went through a memory lane and read all the posts that I posted online and had a major face palmed moment.
‘This…I couldn’t believe I wrote these kinds of things or can I called it useless piece of shits and published it online’
Before I write mainly for my satisfaction. For my own pleasure. And I has been doing this since I started blogging around 2008, 8 years ago. I was a 14 years old girl who found peace and comfort in writing. I used to post a really long post about just me being bored. I write everything. My everyday life and my feelings are my main source of inspiration.
When I am happy, I write.
When I am sad, I write.
When I am angry, I write.
You can practically say that majority of my teenage angst phase spent by blogging my heart out. But now I am confused.
What is this unsatisfied feeling that I couldn’t describe?
So, I ask my heart and my heart wants to change. She doesn’t want to write without a purpose anymore. She wants to change all of these crap into something better. Something that will make her proud and say
‘Yeah, I wrote these’
I want to write something that can be useful to others. But damn it is hard. For someone who has been caring for no one but herself and to write for others is going to be one tough journey. Since I couldn’t bear to delete all my babies because it represents me, of what I was before thus, I just revert half of my blog posts into a draft for only me to see.
Those old posts are still about me, my life then, and are just as relevant to my life now, even if I’ve changed. There’s nothing I want to erase or forget happened (or pretend didn’t happen). Change is important. There are plenty of things I wrote about years ago that I’ve changed my mind about, but deleting those posts seems disingenuous to who I was. I like seeing my transformation. If I wrote something that made me seem like a jerk, I was probably being a jerk. Deleting the post won’t change that. I’d be more inclined to write a new post addressing it than deleting the original.
Because my heart told me so.